Pamaal: Dear Malika, you just set yourself up for a good thrashing online, because apparently, any woman can, except you.
When Malika discovered she’s pregnant with a second child, within a year of giving birth to her first one, the anxiety was real, when she lay down in bed, low on energy, even lower on emotion, the exhaustion was real. And when she prepared breakfast for a husband who waited at the table to be served, her panic was real.
And so was the online trolling.
It is often said that a woman is a woman’s worst enemy. Perhaps there is some truth in that? Perhaps it’s about perspectives. Where one woman is happily able to prepare dinner for an army of in-laws, others stutter to prep breakfast for their husband on time. But it is the expectation that she can do it, because other women can, and because they do, and because they have done so over the years, that condemns the woman who struggles with household chores to be judged, criticized and trolled for being incompetent to do what every other woman can.
Incompetent, incomplete and incapable.
When we thank our mothers, sisters, daughters for turning out a fabulous spread, an iftar table fit for a king, breakfast, lunch and dinner, school runs, homework, bath time, bed time, and play time like she’s a pro at winning the marathon everyday, every time, we also set the bar for every other woman to be able to achieve the same.
And when the Malika’s of this world fall short, they not only fail, but also, receive the wrath of every woman who succeeded. “If I could do it, why can’t she? “They say.
The online comments range from, “she’s living the life of a queen, she’s ungrateful for all the luxuries, to self absorbed.” Some schooled her that she could have rested when her child slept, some even labelled her as insecure with her daughter who’s getting all of Raza’s attention.”
Dear Malika, just by being caught unaware at the news of a sudden and successive pregnancy, attempting to channel your anxiety, lack of sleep and emotional turbulence, by not being the perfect example of a perfect housewife, cooking a few dozen dishes daily, managing a baby, dealing with the demands of your own body and failing mental health, perhaps even suffering post partum depression that lagged on from your first child, you have set yourself up for a good thrashing online – how dare you not be perfect? How dare you expect any sort of mental and emotional bandwidth from your husband, your life partner who seems visibly happy to grow his family yet, cannot even prepare breakfast for himself let alone for you, when he knows your body needs nourishment more than you.
But hold on a minute. Why or how can we blame Raza when it is over half the female population who blame you too?
You, Malika, are charged as guilty, for being inept, incompetent, emotionally self obsessed, spoilt and ungrateful.
Because the visual of a woman who can do it all is rubber-stamped in our minds like a bedtime story we heard on loop while growing up. So any shift from the plot is a flawed sequel – Malika’s of this world, you will always be the Snow White who raised seven dwarves, cooked, cleaned and fed them, without a whimper or so much as a crease on your lovely forehead – don’t you dare faint on us, don’t you dare reveal to us, a woman who’s far from perfect, far from doing it all or ‘managing’ it all.
Till we stop celebrating home makers as women who can magically pull a rabbit out of a hat, or a dinner table over-laden with food, well kept children and a home, as a sign of deep pride and accomplishments, till we do not recognize that the value of a good life partner does not lie in her ability to do it all, that she can break under pressure just like any human being, till we do not recognize that men too, can enter the kitchen and work a full time job just like the women in their lives – perhaps our Malikas will always be looked upon as project fail.
Note to self – Post partum depression is real and if untreated, can extend for up to several years. So is post Marital Depression – and when the two come together – for the Malika’s of this world, there is a term that says it all – Pamaal – the downtrodden, made to serve and obey and then, do it all over again.
